Publication: TheOnion.com

First Reported 1 hour ago - Updated 1 hour ago - 1 Documents

Another Nurse Succumbs To Charms Of Flirty Elderly Patient

Another Nurse Succumbs To Charms Of Flirty Elderly Patient ... [ Published 1 hour ago by TheOnion.com ]

First Reported 4 hours ago - Updated 1 hour ago - 1 Documents

Salesman Can't Just Give You Price List Because Here's The Thing With That

Salesman Can't Just Give You Price List Because Here's The Thing With That ... [ Published 4 hours ago by TheOnion.com ]

First Reported 5 hours ago - Updated 1 hour ago - 1 Documents

Report: 5th Floor A Bunch Of Pompous Dicks

SEATTLE—Citing their stuck-up attitudes and stupid, hip little outfits, a devastating new report from Waverly Building sources found Tuesday that the people who work on the fifth floor are a bunch of pompous dicks. ... [ Published 5 hours ago by TheOnion.com ]

Entities: Seattle

First Reported 3 hours ago - Updated 3 hours ago - 1 Documents

Corrections: Summer Fashion Preview

As a heads-up to our readers, next week's Summer Fashion Preview is going to blow. Sorry. ... [ Published 3 hours ago by TheOnion.com ]

Entities: Fashion

First Reported 3 hours ago - Updated 3 hours ago - 1 Documents

Sports: Spurs/Thunder

It's time for the Western Conference Finals, featuring an archetypical dynamic young team and an archetypical veteran team with strong fundamentals. ... [ Published 3 hours ago by TheOnion.com ]

First Reported 6 hours ago - Updated 6 hours ago - 1 Documents

Michael Phelps

Michael Phelps Apologizes To Nation After Tasting Subway For First Time

NEW YORK—In a press release issued Friday, Olympic gold medal swimmer Michael Phelps publicly apologized to his fans and Americans everywhere after actually tasting one of the Subway sandwiches he endorses. ... [ Published 6 hours ago by TheOnion.com ]

Entities: Michael Phelps

First Reported 20 hours ago - Updated 20 hours ago - 1 Documents

Carlos Beltran

Carlos Beltran First Player To Homer From Three Sides Of The Plate

Carlos Beltran First Player To Homer From Three Sides Of The Plate ... [ Published 20 hours ago by TheOnion.com ]

Entities: Carlos Beltran

First Reported 23 hours ago - Updated 21 hours ago - 1 Documents

TV Listings: Friends Of Friends

NBC 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST In tonight's episode of this spin-off of the classic '90s sitcom, Charlie and five other more-or-less strangers awkwardly talk about what a great guy Ross is while trying to discreetly check the time. ... [ Published 23 hours ago by TheOnion.com ]

First Reported 22 hours ago - Updated 21 hours ago - 1 Documents

Phoenix Coyotes Pretend Homeless Drifters At Greyhound Bus Station Are Fans Welcoming Team Home

PHOENIX—Upon returning from their elimination from the Western Conference Finals Tuesday, the Phoenix Coyotes convinced themselves that the homeless drifters occupying the Greyhound bus station were adoring fans waiting to welcome them back. ... [ Published 22 hours ago by TheOnion.com ]

Entities: Greyhound Lines Inc, Phoenix (Arizona, United States)

First Reported May 25 2012 - Updated 22 hours ago - 1 Documents

American Voices: U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan

The Senate Appropriations Committee voted 30-0 to cut aid to Pakistan by $33 million after the country’s government arrested and sentenced a doctor who tipped off the United States to Osama bin Laden's location. ... [ Published May 25 2012 by TheOnion.com ]

Entities: Pakistan, United States, Usama bin Laden

First Reported May 25 2012 - Updated May 25 2012 - 1 Documents

FOX CHAPEL, PA—While playing with his mom's iPhone, 7-year-old Gus Elliott was horrified to find the video of his birth was still up on YouTube.

FOX CHAPEL, PA—While playing with his mom's iPhone, 7-year-old Gus Elliott was horrified to find the video of his birth was still up on YouTube. ... [ Published May 25 2012 by TheOnion.com ]

Entities: YouTube LLC, iPhone

First Reported May 25 2012 - Updated May 25 2012 - 1 Documents

Man Who Just Received Complimentary Daffy Duck Checks Can't Stay Mad At Bank Of America

Man Who Just Received Complimentary Daffy Duck Checks Can't Stay Mad At Bank Of America ... [ Published May 25 2012 by TheOnion.com ]

Entities: Bank of America Corp

Quotes

...NM—According to friends of the man, area cool basketball fan Kip Conroy calls the sport "b-ball," even though that is not the sport’s official name. "Kip's always like, 'Want to play some b-ball?' or 'Did you se..."

Cool Basketball Fan Calls Sport 'B-Ball' [TheOnion.com - May 21 2012]

...Tuesday his plans to give the pitching mound a few days of rest to fully recover from enduring eight grueling innings of hurler CC Sabathia. "A long outing of Sabathia r..."

Yankees To Rest Pitching Mound After 8 Innings Of CC Sabathia [TheOnion.com - May 20 2012]

More Content

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Another Nurse Succumbs To Charms Of Flirty Elde... [ Published 1 hour ago by TheOnion.com ]
Corrections: Summer Fashion Preview [ Published 3 hours ago by TheOnion.com ]
Sports: Spurs/Thunder [ Published 3 hours ago by TheOnion.com ]
Salesman Can't Just Give You Price List Because... [ Published 4 hours ago by TheOnion.com ]
Report: 5th Floor A Bunch Of Pompous Dicks [ Published 5 hours ago by TheOnion.com ]
Michael Phelps Apologizes To Nation After Tasti... [ Published 6 hours ago by TheOnion.com ]
Carlos Beltran First Player To Homer From Three... [ Published 20 hours ago by TheOnion.com ]
Phoenix Coyotes Pretend Homeless Drifters At Gr... [ Published 22 hours ago by TheOnion.com ]
TV Listings: Friends Of Friends [ Published 23 hours ago by TheOnion.com ]
FOX CHAPEL, PA—While playing with his mom's iPh... [ Published May 25 2012 by TheOnion.com ]
American Voices: U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan [ Published May 25 2012 by TheOnion.com ]
Man Who Just Received Complimentary Daffy Duck ... [ Published May 25 2012 by TheOnion.com ]
[video] Romney To Undergo Gender Reassignment S... [ Published May 25 2012 by TheOnion.com ]
Magazine: 10 Ways To Wow Slovenian Philosopher ... [ Published May 25 2012 by TheOnion.com ]
Wrigley Field Supporters Propose Tearing Down R... [ Published May 25 2012 by TheOnion.com ]
Thomas The Tank Engine A Little Uneasy With His... [ Published May 25 2012 by TheOnion.com ]
American Voices: 'Fifty Shades Of Grey' Series ... [ Published May 25 2012 by TheOnion.com ]
Biden To Honor Fallen Soldiers By Jumping Motor... [ Published May 25 2012 by TheOnion.com ]
[audio] Local Man Gets Stabbing Right On 47th Try [ Published May 25 2012 by TheOnion.com ]
Reggie Bush Listed As Product For Sale On Nike'... [ Published May 24 2012 by TheOnion.com ]
American Voices: Suspect Arrested In Etan Patz ... [ Published May 24 2012 by TheOnion.com ]
Statshot: Least Popular Hotel Perks [ Published May 24 2012 by TheOnion.com ]
Development Exec Wants To See What, Where, How ... [ Published May 24 2012 by TheOnion.com ]
Infographic: Skechers To Pay For Dubious Fitnes... [ Published May 24 2012 by TheOnion.com ]
Visiting Parents Unknowingly Strike Up Conversa... [ Published May 24 2012 by TheOnion.com ]
American Voices: U.S. Census Overcounted By 36,000 [ Published May 24 2012 by TheOnion.com ]
Quiet Temp Actually Very Untalented Singer-Song... [ Published May 24 2012 by TheOnion.com ]
[audio] Nation's Cotton Candy Crop Ravaged By C... [ Published May 24 2012 by TheOnion.com ]
Tim Tebow Impressing Broncos With Absence [ Published May 24 2012 by TheOnion.com ]
TV Listings: B [ Published May 23 2012 by TheOnion.com ]